Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
