That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
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