im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
