Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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