I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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