Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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