My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
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We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
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I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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