I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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