I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
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After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
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I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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