If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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