So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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