We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
