Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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