I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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