I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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