i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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