She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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