Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
If I die, sorry about rent.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
