how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
