He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
