take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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