i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
