Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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