I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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