New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
