you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
