If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
