Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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