Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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