we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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