what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
