atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
