how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
