I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
