For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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