I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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