You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
