oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Also, beer. Big fan.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
