oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
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You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
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i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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