i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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