He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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