If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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