Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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