if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
