Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
