I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
