I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
