so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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