Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
