I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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