I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange