fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Still dying that you shit outside
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?