The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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