Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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