I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
