Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
please don't ironically join a cult
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