R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
